As hard as we try, we can’t get everything right all the time. Keys get lost, appointments get forgotten, and we say boneheaded things to the wrong people. To put it simply, we make mistakes. We forget things. We aren’t perfect – and that’s okay. What makes the difference between a situation handled well and a situation handled badly is our willingness to say that we’re sorry.
It’s human nature to not want to be called out when we make a mistake. When confronted, the first reaction for many of us is to get defensive or to shift the blame. We’re so worried about getting in trouble that we struggle to admit that we were at fault in any way.
When confronted, the first reaction for many of us is to get defensive or to shift the blame.
If you aren’t sure what this looks like, try confronting a four-year-old about a lie they told. The lengths they will go to when trying to cover up their lie is pretty entertaining. As much as we’d like to think blaming someone else will help us get out of a sticky situation, it will always make it worse. It’s a practice rooted in entitlement culture and is both mean-spirited and unfair.
When we admit guilt and apologize, the problem can be solved that much faster. Admitting guilt isn’t admitting you are weak, but is rather an act of being strong. It takes courage to admit that you messed up – but in the end, it’s liberating. Save yourself the emotional roller coaster and be brave enough to claim responsibility for your actions.
You don’t have to explain, just apologize
With the act of apologizing, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to explain why you did what you did. These explanations can often turn into a different type of deferring blame and can sound a little like this, “I’m sorry I forgot to bring back the book I borrowed, Bobby was throwing a fit this morning and I got distracted.” See how the explanation uses poor little Bobby as an excuse? This kind of apology comes across as you not taking personal responsibility for something you promised to do, which makes you look bad.
Instead, simply apologize and ask forgiveness. If it’s an ongoing problem that you haven’t had success with on your own, this is also a great time to ask for help. “I’m sorry I forgot to bring your book. I know that’s really frustrating. Could you help me remember to bring it the next time we meet?” This shows that you own not doing what you promised, and want to make it right.
That time I nearly smashed my car
Last week I came within inches of totaling my car. Long story short, I misread how this particular intersection worked and tried to turn left right into the path of an oncoming vehicle. We both swerved in time to miss each other, but I’m not joking about the inches, it was close. Because it was so close, I pulled over and so did she.
Had I been defensive and tried to shift the blame, we both would have walked away angry from the experience and it would have been that much harder to go on with our day.
I could have gone into this long, drawn-out explanation with her of how the intersection was weird and I was worried about a family crisis I was trying to unravel and so on and so on, but that wouldn’t have helped anything. All she needed was my apology and to know that I was sorry for scaring her as much as I’m sure I did. We were both shaken up and she offered me a hug, which was very sweet of her, and we went off on our way.
Had I been defensive and tried to shift the blame, we both would have walked away angry from the experience and it would have been that much harder to go on with our day. I’m grateful to her that she was kind at that moment, as it made a huge difference.
Discussion question: When was the last time someone apologized to you and it made all the difference in a situation?
