We have all been there, the guilt, shame, and worry that come when our shortcomings and insecurities as mothers surface. I lost my cool or I failed to connect or I forgot to sign some paper or missed some deadline for a kids activity. The list goes on and on. We fail as moms all-the-time!
But what if that is by divine design? What if our ideals of what a mother should be is the problem? What if the Creator has greater purposes in mind with this mothering business then just us raising our child(ren)? I learned this is the case one day for myself.
There was a period of time when one of my children and I would have regular meltdowns. They would get out of control because their sensitive sensory system was on overload. I would have emotional overload and then would lose it myself. It was messy, a mother and child both having meltdowns.
I had this belief that as the mother I should be able to meet their needs without difficulty, that as the parent I should be able to show up as the calm exemplar. But I wasn’t and couldn’t because my self-judgment was too thick.
One day, after a meltdown mess, I felt defeated, so tired of the cycle we had fallen into. I went to my knees in prayer because there was nowhere else to go. I expressed all of my concerns that a better mother would be able to give this child what they needed and to help them build the skills to help themselves. In the midst of my tears and worry, while on my knees, I received an impression spoken deep to my mind and heart.
To the effect, it was this…Kerrie, this relationship is messy by divine design. You are both helping each other to become who I want you to be. After that, I decided to give myself some slack- to extend myself the compassion that I felt from God that day. He put me and this child together on purpose, and it was messy because the hard things in life often are messy, but are the most worthwhile.
As I learned to accept self-compassion I began to show up how I wanted to in the first place for my child. There are still meltdowns but they are a fraction of what they used to be and we rebound quickly because we have built skills together. These skills could not be accessed when I was allowing myself to wallow in shame and guilt. They became accessible when I learned self-compassion, the same compassion that God extends to each of us.
Here is the thing–before we became mothers we were human and now that we are mothers we are still human before all else. We cannot escape our humanness! Being human means there will be messy moments and days, maybe even months or years.
In accepting our humanness with compassion we make room, room to not get it right and still be alright as a person. Without compassion and acceptance any space for improvement is filled with shame, self-loathing or guilt.
Remember, God put you and your child together on purpose. Whether by birth or marriage, adoption or fostering, God is in the details of this mothering business and He put you together for a purpose. Just ask Him. He will let you know.
